The Perfect Packages to Offer Your Next Client

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Or, ‘Why is Everyone a C**t?’

Pricing as a copywriter and piecing together the best packages for your clients can be difficult, so I thought I’d take a few minutes out my day to explore a few approaches that have (by and large) worked for me thus far.

Here are the basic packages I like to offer potential clients:

The ‘dog puke’ package

You’ve approached me, balked at the price I quoted you, and are now trying to justify your counteroffer by explaining how your budget doesn’t cover the amount I’m asking for.

You tell me you can find someone cheaper.

Months down the line you suddenly realise the writer you hired for £38 can’t speak any English and is actually a puddle of canine vomit with an internet connection.

The ‘shit head’ package

You successfully negotiate. Congratulations.

“There must be a little wiggle room here?”

I lower my rates because I need the work to feed my dogs that week. Somehow you now think I work for you, despite the fact you’re just a customer.

You are left high and dry when I get tired of texts at 10:30PM asking if the work can be completed by the following morning.

“I hired you, you can’t fire me!”

Yes. We can fire clients. It’s satisfying. Try it.

The ‘compensating for something’ package

The most likely package for clients who’ll ask you to write copy for erectile dysfunction pills, gambling sites, and online trading.

“We don’t need the contract and I’ll pay you through BitCoin. Don’t invoice for this, neither of us wants to deal with the taxman.”

This package is for clients who give away minimal details about themselves and their company but still manage to brag about how many drinks they had the weekend before.

Best to just say no to this one straight away, unless you’re beyond desperate. Usually ends up in tears and 50% of your pay disappearing into the ether.

Obviously I can’t go into detail about all of the packages I offer (industry secrets), but here are a few more:

The ‘artisan wanker’ package

(involves stealing the font from ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ and heavy usage of the words: craft, heritage, mixologist, twee, patisserie, boutique, sustainable, chic…)

The ‘last writer did it for this much’ package

The ‘20K word-count a day’ package

The ‘I do a bit of writing myself’ package

The ‘do-it-for-exposure’ package

The ‘turtleneck’ package

(“I love minimalist design, you see? And can we cut this paragraph down to just three words but still convey the overall meaning and highly complicated message behind it all? Helvetica font, please. Also, I want the text a subtle transparent white, to give off a crisp, clean, professional image”)

The ‘please, we’re a local business’ package

The ‘bulk-order bargain’ package

The ‘extremely boring content that pays stupidly well but physically hurts to write about’ package

The ‘I didn’t realise the expense’ package

The ‘feedback for the sake of it’ package

(the work is spot-on; you know that, they know that. Still, they have to justify their wage, so they’ll think of the most inane thing to point out and then pat themselves on the back. Most likely to tell the higher-ups they did the majority of the work. Usually called Linda or Helena)  

This ‘thingoriginally appeared on Medium. You can follow Jake on Twitter here. Or not. Either way

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